New University of Oregon Athletic Director Rob Mullens issued an open letter to fans explaining that he was fully aware of Seattle Sounders FC’s outlandish new “electric yellow” uniform and assuring them that the Ducks’ new uniforms would allow them to resume their place as having the most shockingly revolting uniforms in the country.
Mr. Mullen was very clear in expressing his displeasure with the Sounders: “Last week, I tuned in and saw Seattle wearing their new yellow uniforms in a match against Marathon and it just turned my stomach. Sure, I’ve seen other ugly uniforms before, but I’ve never witnessed such a blatant attempt by a nearby team to wear more hideous uniforms than the Ducks. It was a slap in the face.”
“It’s one thing when some team like the Predators go around dressed like jars of Dijon mustard down in Nashville, but it’s totally a different story when the Sounders are offending the eyes of sports fans in our own backyard.” Mullen’s response was unequivocal. “I just won’t stand for that. I don’t want anyone to question whose uniforms are the foulest atrocities in the Pacific Northwest regardless of the sport. Not on my watch.”
The press release was more than just talk; it also included a photograph, reproduced above, of one of the new abominations that the Ducks would be wearing this football season.
But Mullen promised not to stop with just one awful new uniform: “My pledge to Ducks fans is that we will work with Nike to develop hundreds of additional new possible uniform combinations. No matter what the Sounders come up with in the future I am confident that we will be able to assemble a sartorial abortion of the absolute highest order. Duck fans can be certain that their team’s uniforms will assault all notions of taste and decency. Our uniforms will be so fantastically nauseating that the Sounders won’t dream of competing with us ever again.”