Rash Of Killings By Supporters May Cause Philadelphia Union To Reconsider “Join Or Die” Motto

“Jungite aut Perite!” howled Theresa Walton seconds before ending the life of her close friend, Samantha Miller. “Jungite aut Perite,” latin for “Join or Die,” is the official motto of the Philadelphia Union soccer club. According to authorities, Walton took this motto to heart and killed Miller for declining her offer of a free ticket to the Union’s September 4th home game against the Kansas City Wizards.

Miller’s murder is just the latest in this summer’s wave of killings committed by members of the Sons of Ben, the Philadelphia Union supporters group, who have been systematically executing Philadelphia-area residents unwilling to join their ranks.

Philadelphia Police spokesperson Lt. Frank Marconi attributed approximately 600 deaths to this killing spree, but also attempted to calm the public by putting things into perspective, “Don’t get me wrong, 600 is certainly quite a few deaths, but it’s only about a fifth of the total murders committed annually just in the one suburb of Chester, home of the Union’s new stadium.”

In reaction to the killings, several community groups have called for the Union to change their motto and some members of the Union’s board are reportedly open to a townhall meeting on the subject.

Nick Sakiewicz, CEO of the Union, however, remains vehemently opposed to the idea.  “You are either with us or you are against us.  That’s how it works.  If you want to support the Flyers, Phillies, or Eagles, that’s fine as long as you support us too.  Otherwise, do yourself a favor and go take out some life insurance,”  Sakiewicz said, “Just last week I ran down an elderly woman who refused to accept Danny Mwanga as her lord and personal saviour. Let’s hope her children and grandchildren don’t make the same mistake, if you know what I mean.”