Chicago Fire Fails To Land [Homeless] World Cup Star

Chicago, IL – Chicago Fire’s roster woes have been well documented on these pages. Barely able to field a side for a 7 v. 7 exhibition, Technical Director Frank Klopas has been pulling out all of the stops to replenish his squad. Just this week, rumors swirled that they were on the verge of signing the winner of the World Cup golden boot. The Homeless World Cup, that is.

Unfortunately for Fire fans, their hopes of adding a big new scorer appears to be fading. Negotiations have hit an impasse. “Greezy” Geech Slopnik, who shares the Interstate 90/94 Fullerton underpass in Chicago with an oil stain shrine of the blessed virgin Mary, explained that Chicago’s current offer was “an insult.”

Geech explained that, despite the deplorable public transportation situtation for Toyota Park, Chicago refused to offer him any means of transportation to and from the Park for training and matches. “Do I look like I own an [expletive] helicopter?” Geech mused.

Geech also reportedly failed to hit it off with Fire manager Carlos de los Cobos. “He looked at me like I was some worthless pile of [expletive]. But, I mean, what has he ever done? Take a team that was on the verge of the MLS finals to failing to make the playoffs? Check. Oh yeah, he nearly took El Salvador to what? Late round losses in CONCACAF World Cup Qualifiers? Give me a break. He’s the one who deserves to be out here in the cold smelling like rat piss.”

“If they aren’t willing to make me an acceptable offer, I am perfectly content to go back to drinking at all hours, aggressively asking for change, and unapologetically masturbating in the public library,” Greezy coolly explained ,”I’m not some kind of animal that you can just take advantage of.”