Chicago, IL – Andrew Hauptman, owner of the Chicago Fire, has all but declared his intentions to move the team to Miami, Florida. Unfortunately for him, however, his lease to Toyota Park provides only one escape clause: extremely poor attendance.
Together with general manager Frank Klopas, Mr. Hauptman has hatched a plot to assemble a team so awful that no one would possibly come to watch them, thus facilitating the team’s move to Miami. This is not their first attempt: the scheme began last year when they hired Carlos de los Cobos, who most recently split his time between operating a small muffler shop and coaching the El Salvador national side. Although the team played pitifully, attendance was still not bad enough to terminate the lease.
Last year’s has-beens performed too well in the attendance department. So, this year, the Fire have decided to populate their roster almost exclusively with no-names. Gone are the swan songs and unibrow freakshows. In are 30 year olds who failed to make strides in the Azerbaijani third division.
Hopefully, for Fire fans at least, this rag-tag team can rally and foil their owner’s scheme and rally to win a place in the MLS playoffs (perhaps with inspiration from a cardboard cutout of Mr. Hauptman where portions of his clothing are removed pursuant to each victory), but I sincerely doubt it.