*** The FIFA Appeal Committee has confirmed the decisions taken by the Ethics Committee to ban former FIFA executive committee members Reynald Temarii and Amos Adamu. Both Temarii and Adamu had been found to have violated FIFA rules in connection with the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding. Fortunately, this corruption was identified well before the bidding occurred and therefore erased any suspicion whatsoever about the ultra-secretive process that resulted in those World Cups being awarded to dictator-led petrogiants with reputations for cracking down violently on media keen on investigating corruption. Temarii, whose punishment was a one year ban, explained “I am very sorry for my indiscretions,” and later asked “does anyone have an ice pack? My wrist is quite sore.”
*** FIFA to debate whether “snoods” – the loose-fitting neck scarves popularized by Carlos Tevez - should be outlawed as a safety risk. If snoods are prohibited, it would mark only the second time that an accessory would be banned pursuant to the rules against wearing anything “dangerous.” The last uniform accessory to be banned under this provision was the NASL Colorado Caribous’ infamous fringe jersey. That jersey did not result in any on-field injuries, but several supporters suffered severe rectal bruising after wearing replicas in “the wrong sort of bars.”
*** UEFA warns clubs on spending restrictions in wake of Torres and Carroll transfers. UEFA’s Financial Fair Play rules require clubs to balance their books at the end of the year, but do not set in until the 2012-13 season. Nonetheless, these large transfers are expected to have financial impact well past the present season and so UEFA wasted no time in claiming that they would enforce the new rules rigorously even if it meant losing revenue by banning top clubs from European competition. After making this empty threat, UEFA and club officials alike probably had a right good chuckle.
*** Qatar fires national team coach Bruno Metsu after quarterfinal Asian Cup exit. Despite home field advantage, Qatar failed to make a splash at the Asian Cup and, as a result, slipped to 114 in the world rankings (behind such powerhouses as Kuwait, Oman, Azerbaijan and the Cape Verde Islands). Qatari official, Muhammed al-Dirka Dirka Jihad, explained that Metsu was 100% responsible for the side’s shortcomings and that the loss had nothing to do with Qatar being a tiny country with few talented players. Mr. Jihad further said that without the burdensome Metsu around he had full confidence that Qatar will acquit itself well at the 2022 World Cup. When reached for comment, Metsu bleated “Maaaaaaaaah…..maaaaaaaaaah!”
Today, MLS Commissioner Don Garber announced that MLS had reached a deal to bring hundreds of Nigeria’s most talented youth prospects to American shores with little or no cost to the league.
“Not to toot my own horn, but I single-handedly doubled – nay, tripled - the talent level of MLS today,” explained accomplished horn-tooter Don Garber, ”It all started when I received an e-mail from a group of Nigeria’s leading football scouts. They offered to provide us – totally free of cost, I might add – with hundred of highly touted prospects to populate our football academies and youth teams and all they asked in return was our bank information so that they could secure transportation for the players.”
In unrelated news, hours after Mr. Garber’s press conference, the league’s public relation office distributed a notice stating ticket prices would be quadrupled for the 2011 season in order to allow the league to recover from an ”unexpected massive loss of funds.”
[contributed by Rory Miller, thanks Rory! For more by Rory, check out: www.tiny.cc/1nt1i]
*** Hundreds of ticket holders were locked out of Qatar’s Khalifa Stadium for the AFC Asian Cup final between Japan and Australia on Saturday. The Qatari organizers acknowledged that the gates to the stadium had been shut well in advance of kick-off, causing many fans to be denied entry and miss the entire match. Organisers explained the gates were closed for security reasons due to the attendance of VIPs who included the Heir Apparent Sheikh Tamim bin Hamad Al Thani, FIFA president Sepp Blatter, and AFC boss Mohamed Bin Hammam. For those of you planning to attend the World Cup in 2022 make note to arrive several hours early to the stadium, do not be surprised about significant decisions affecting your experience without notice, and expect to be treated like a serf in comparison to royalty, like the Al Thanis and Sepp Blatters of the world.
*** In the wake of an embarassing defeat to Osasuna, Real Madrid winger Cristiano Ronaldo launched a tirade against violent fans and players alike. ”Constant kicks, more balls than what is normally allowed on the pitch… No, it’s unacceptable for a football match to become a naval battle … What happened during the match is not good for children or people who enjoy the beauty of football. I hate it!” he said. We agree with Mr. Ronaldo, there is no place for violence in football. Matches should be viewed exclusively as an opportunity to showcase flamboyant new hairstyles and to demonstrate the ability to dramatically fall with only the slightest touch.
*** Ghana Football Association (GFA) President, Mr. Kwasi Nyantakyi has allegedly confessed to spending upwards of $100,000 on gifts for FIFA officials whose decisions affected Ghana’s football during the 2010 World Cup in South Africa. Beerandsoccer remains skeptical of this report because everyone knows FIFA likes much much larger bribes.
*** Qatar unveils plans for “sustainable” World Cup 2022 stadiums. Today Qatar and German design firm AS&P revealed plans for three stadiums for the 2022 World Cup that are intended to be environmentally friendly. Paying for those stadiums will be countless barrels of oil which will be drilled from deep within the Earth, which will then be sold, transported on a oil-burning tanker, processed in a pollution spewing refinery, transported on diesel-burning trucks, and then resold to end-users for them to burn in their SUVs. Environment, you can thank them later.
*** UK media outlets are reporting that upward of 13 firms are in the running for providing FIFA with goal-line technology. This technology, which will accurately register when a goal has been scored, is being widely opposed by lobbyists in the referee effigy industry.
*** UEFA threatens to strip Ukraine of the rights to hosting Euro 2012 amidst claims that its government is interfering with its football federation. UEFA secretary-general Gianni Infantino issued the confederation’s ultimatum to Ukrainian officials whilst coughing suggestively and rubbing his thumb and forefinger together in an exaggerated fashion. A few well placed bribes are expected to bring this situation to a prompt and happy conclusion.
*** Five-time FIFA Women’s World Player of the Year Marta is reportedly joining the Western New York Flash, the club announced Wednesday. This means that the Flash will at least register some spectacular goals before their eventual bankruptcy.
*** FIFA announces rights agreements with Al Jazeera. Apparently, from now on, all of Sepp Blatter’s future denials of wrongdoing and self-congratulatory harpings will be filmed with a home video camera and will be interspersed with footage of FIFA personnel running through tires and climbing obstacles whilst carrying AK-47 rifles.
*** According to Google News, over 5000 articles have been reproduced today regarding whether Andy Gray will provide commentary for EA Sports’ FIFA 12. Apparently, the source of repetitive generalities in a videogame is at least 20% more worthy of media coverage than the political turmoil presently rocking Egpyt.
*** Newspapers throughout Brazil claim that World Cup 2014 will pour billions into their economy and spark tremendous job growth. Meanwhile, Greece and virtually every other host of a worldwide sporting event, are having a good laugh (well that or fighting back riots over ‘austerity’ measures).
In a few short months, FIFA will determine the hosts for the 2018 and the 2022 World Cups. Among the dark horse contenders is the Middle Eastern nation of Qatar.
Qatar is home to 1.6 million people and has an incredibly diverse economy by Middle Eastern standards, which ranges all the way from oil to natural gas to petroleum byproducts.
While Qatar currently lacks the stadiums necessary to host the Cup, they have proposed building nine state-of-the-art stadiums that exude all of the understated good taste one would expect from a Middle Eastern sheikh hemorrhaging petrodollars.
The centerpiece of the planned venues (rendering pictured above) is a 90,000 seat arena built entirely out of the ash of burnt $1,000 bills situated atop an indoor mountain of artificial ice (which itself is completely submerged in the Persian Gulf) . Continue reading
Today, the estate of legendary thoroughbred Seabiscuit filed a lawsuit against Philadelphia Union forward Sebastien Le Toux. The suit claims that Le Toux violated Pennsylvania right of publicity laws which protect celebrities from having their likenesses exploited for commercial gain without their permission.
Specifically, the suit claims that Le Toux has “knowingly and willfully exploited his uncanny resemblance to the legendary racehorse in order to secure valuable endorsements.”
Le Toux, who is a spokesperson for Continuex deworming products, Harmohn Kraft bridles, and Jeffers stable supplies, has denied any wrongdoing. Continue reading
Today, Shawn Hunter, President of Chivas USA, announced the club’s intention to build a new stadium in metropolitan Los Angeles and displayed an early rendering of the venue (reproduced below).
The new state-of-the-art venue is expected to offer several unique amenities including a bail bonds agency, an emergency clinic specializing in stab wounds, a teenage pregnancy counseling center, a garbage facility concentrating on disposal of deceased prostitutes, a jail capable of holding up to 90% of the attendees, and several purveyors of airbrushed t-shirts. Continue reading
This past week Enos “Stan” Kroenke’s purchase of a majority stake in the St. Louis Rams was approved by the National Football League. NFL rules prohibit an owner from having a majority stake in a football team in one city and a team from another sport in another city, so Kroenke was forced to transfer operating control – whilst winking – of the Denver Nuggets and the Colorado Avalanche to his son, Nepos.
NFL rules did not require Kroenke to pretend to transfer ownership of the Colorado Rapids because no one seemed to care and Kroenke has long since forgotten that he owns them. Continue reading
According to sources, late last week, Assistant Manager Bryan Phillips of First National Insurance’s regional office in Anaheim told his employees that he had a “special treat” for them and that he was “super excited” about it. It turns out, however, that there was no “special treat” – what Mr. Phillips announced was a company outing to a Chivas USA match against the New England Revolution on September 10th.
“When Bryan said we had to go to a Chivas USA game pretty much everyone in the office went totally silent and started exchanging worried looks,” Kumar Singh told reporters, “last year they took us to a Lakers game. And that was in the midst of the recession, so we all thought if we can afford that, we must be in okay shape. But now we all feel like we are witnessing the death throes of a once great company.” Continue reading