Category Archives: Expansion

February 9, 2011 – News Briefs

*** Zinedine Zidane claims, in interview with sports daily L’Equip, that he backed Qatar’s 2022 World Cup bid to help grow the sport in the Middle East.  Zidane denied that his involvement was purely for the money.  In fact, he claimed to have received no personal benefit at all, stating that the millions of Euros he received were distributed entirely to charities, such as the Zinedine Zidane Tahitian Beach House Foundation, and the Zinedine Zidane Center for the Furtherance of his Personal Automobile Collection.  Zidane further added that his headbutting of Marco Materazzi in the final of the 2006 World Cup was intended to help facilitate world peace.

*** MLS dashes Atlanta’s hopes for franchise.  In recent months, Arthur Blank, the founder of Home Depot and owner of the Atlanta Falcons, has been taking time out of his busy tanning schedule to lobby MLS for an expansion franchise.  Don Garber, however, rejected the Bea Arthur lookalike’s overtures stating that there would be no franchise until they had a plan in place to build a new soccer specific stadium.  I’m not terribly familiar with the geography of Atlanta, but if you live in a distant suburb full of parking lots, strip malls, and lightly-used industrial parks, you may someday be in store for a modest low-budget soccer stadium in your neighborhood. 

*** UEFA withdraws threat against Ukraine.  Previously, we reported that UEFA was rattling its saber, threatening to withdraw Ukraine’s right to host the 2012 Euro championship due to political influence over the soccer federation.  After the Ukranian government and federation officials assured UEFA that no further interference would occur, UEFA said that Ukraine would remain co-host of the event.  It is unclear yet how many cars these “assurances” can purchase.

*** According to the Zimbabwean, “The Zimbabwe Football Association will get a whooping $300 000 bonus from world soccer governing body FIFA”   http://bit.ly/fZGPLE (emphasis added).  It is unclear what makes this bonus, which stems from FIFA’s huge profits from the 2010 World Cup, so noisy but hopefully it will be spent before it causes undue disruption for the poor citizens of Harare.  [Aw, yea - I went there - take that online editor of low-budget African newspaper!]

Timbers Announce Harkes and Wynalda as First Player Signings; JP Dellacamera Signs On as Assistant Coach

Former USA national teammates John Harkes and Eric Wynalda come out of retirement to join the expansion side Portland Timbers.

Coach John Spencer comments, “It’s great to have two legends out on the field. Also, everyone knows that there’s some bad history between them, so hopefully that alone will fuel ticket sales and sponsorship. Besides, I’m doing the world a favor by keeping John from working his color commentary. That alone should boost ratings across the league.” Continue reading

Teams Misinterpret MLS Expansion Draft Rules – Leaves Protected Players as Unprotected and Unprotected Players as Protected

In what was initially characterized as a bold move to leave their best players unprotected, club management across MLS have recently come out to say, “Whoops, my bad.”  Apparently, nearly every team misread the new MLS Expansion Draft rules and mislabeled protected players as unprotected and vice versa.  It is unclear if the lone outlier, D.C. United, understood the rules or not - the protected list they submitted to MLS contained nothing more than a cryptic drawing of a skull.

MLS Commissioner Don Garber rushed to the defense of the new rules – which span more than 150 pages, are written in a unique combination of Portuguese and Esperanto, and are comprised primarily of riddles:  “A lot of people want to point fingers at the commissioner’s office and claim we made the new rules too complicated and arcane.  But, it’s really the general managers’ faults, if these idiots could read, they’d be making $3 million a year and running the show, like me.  But hey, it’s all going to turn out okay, good thing we have this thing called parity in the MLS, everyone gets screwed equally.” 

Thanks to the errors, Continue reading

Jeff Cooper Scores Sweet Drugs, Thinks St. Louis Will Get An MLS Franchise

“Here, take those ones with the little hole in the middle.  Yeah, those,” St. Louis soccer executive Jeff Cooper told me at the beginning of our interview in his East Alton, Illinois office.

Mr. Cooper’s office, which looks strangely like a cloud floating above a glowing fortress of eternal joy and solitude, Continue reading

Chairman Of Bankrupt Investment Firm Ventures To Relaunch New York Cosmos; Bankruptcy Appears Imminent

In an effort to capitalize on the New York Red Bull’s recent success in almost filling their entire stadium, an investment group has announced an effort to relaunch the New York Cosmos, the most storied team of the long-defunct North American Soccer League.

The investor group is chaired by English businessman Paul Kemsley, who formerly served as the vice-chairman of the Tottenham Hotspur Football Club and whose real estate investment firm, Rock Investments, collapsed in spectacular fashion in June, 2009. Despite his total lack of credibility, Kemsley seems assured that if the group throws enough good money after bad that Don Garber will eventually capitulate and grant them a MLS franchise for some reason. Continue reading

MLS Commissioner Don Garber Rules Out Detroit Expansion

MLS Commissioner Don Garber announced today that, after careful consideration, MLS has ruled out granting an expansion team to the Detroit metropolitan area.  At the press conference, Garber explained, “Detroit has like, what, 35% unemployment and a few hundred murders per day?  You literally can’t take five steps in that town without getting shot at or tripping over an out-of-work UAW member.  Not to mention the average home price in the region is less than our average ticket price.  Anyone who thinks that fetid cesspool of a city can support a soccer team is out of their [expletive] [expletive] minds.”

When asked whether he reviewed the Apostolopoulos family’s plan to renovate the Pontiac Silverdome, Garber responded, Continue reading