Former USA national teammates John Harkes and Eric Wynalda come out of retirement to join the expansion side Portland Timbers.
Coach John Spencer comments, “It’s great to have two legends out on the field. Also, everyone knows that there’s some bad history between them, so hopefully that alone will fuel ticket sales and sponsorship. Besides, I’m doing the world a favor by keeping John from working his color commentary. That alone should boost ratings across the league.” Continue reading
Posted in Expansion, MLS, Portland Timbers
In what was initially characterized as a bold move to leave their best players unprotected, club management across MLS have recently come out to say, “Whoops, my bad.” Apparently, nearly every team misread the new MLS Expansion Draft rules and mislabeled protected players as unprotected and vice versa. It is unclear if the lone outlier, D.C. United, understood the rules or not - the protected list they submitted to MLS contained nothing more than a cryptic drawing of a skull.
MLS Commissioner Don Garber rushed to the defense of the new rules – which span more than 150 pages, are written in a unique combination of Portuguese and Esperanto, and are comprised primarily of riddles: “A lot of people want to point fingers at the commissioner’s office and claim we made the new rules too complicated and arcane. But, it’s really the general managers’ faults, if these idiots could read, they’d be making $3 million a year and running the show, like me. But hey, it’s all going to turn out okay, good thing we have this thing called parity in the MLS, everyone gets screwed equally.”
Thanks to the errors, Continue reading
Posted in D.C. United, Expansion, MLS
Last evening in ball-retractingly cold Toronto, the Colorado Rapids defeated FC Dallas 2-1 in extra time to secure the 2010 MLS cup. This was Colorado’s first MLS cup.
The match did not start well for Colorado. Dallas took an early lead when Colombian David Ferreira tallied a goal ten minutes before half. Colorado drew even in the 56th minute when Conor Casey took a break from grappling with Jair Benitez, sat on the pitch, and knocked one in from close range.
In extra time, Colorado earned the win on an own goal by George John. The goal came when John deflected a Mac Kandji - who had been acquired by Colorado mid year from New York in exchange for $11 and a recipe for butternut squash ravioli - shot by the near post.
Congratulations Colorado for proving yet again that in MLS, a team does not need to play particularly well for an entire season if they can string together a few cheapies in autumn.
Posted in Colorado Rapids, FC Dallas, MLS, Results
Posted in Designated Players, LA Galaxy, MLS
After scoring a wonderful goal against the San Jose Earthquakes this weekend, Toronto FC midfielder Dwayne DeRosario “celebrated” by pretending to write himself a check – a symbolic gesture intended to bring attention to and garner sympathy for his impoverished existence.
Now, I realize that there is a recession going on and there is nearly 10% unemployment and I’ll concede that TFC is in the middle of a playoff race and that DeRosario may be well advised to focus his efforts there, but still – Dwayne is a undoubtedly a fairly above average player and deserves to be making much much more than 11 times the league minimum.
In an effort to do what little I can to help alleviate Mr. DeRosario’s plight, I implore all my readers (that means you, Steve) to chip in whatever they can and send it to Ontario Highlands Country and Raquet Club c/o Dwayne DeRosario post haste.
Posted in MLS, Players, Toronto F.C.
Chicago Fire coach Carlos de los Cobos announced today that midfielder Nery Castillo has gone missing.
Evidence indicates that Mr. Castillo vanished within days of the press conference announcing his signing with the Fire. Although official records claim that he played in a handful of matches, he is nowhere to be seen in the game film.
This would not be the first time that Mr. Castillo has mysteriously went missing. Almost immediately after being signed by Ukranian club Shakhtar Donetsk, he disappeared for nearly two straight years.
If you have any information about Mr. Castillo’s whereabouts please contact the Chicago Fire front office immediately. If you attempt to look for him, we suggest not looking anywhere near Toyota Park at match time.
Update: A tipster reported that Mr. Castillo had been located, however, after further investigation the person spotted turned out to be Luis Ángel Landín.
Posted in Chicago Fire, Designated Players, MLS
Rumors have long swirled that the Kansas City Wizards will rebrand themselves when they move into their new stadium next year. Previously, however, fans could only speculate about what Kansas City’s new name and crest might be. This all changed last week as reports surfaced that the Wizards have been furiously registering domain names (sportingkc.com, fckansas.com, hotyoungkansascitysluts.com, etc.) and proposed logos leaked to the public.
The first leaked logo is for Kansas City City FC. It has a certain Eurosnob appeal and plays off Kansas City’s wonderfully unimaginative name. This proposed logo build’s off Manchester City’s crest and incorporates both the Fountain logo from the city’s flag and the city’s motto “Kansas City, It’s not so bad.” Unlike Manchester City’s crest, it does not feature a picture of ship; Kansas City is landlocked and even if it wasn’t no one with a boat would want to visit it.
Second up is “Racing Kansas City.” This proposed logo builds off of Argentina’s Racing Club de Avellaneda’s crest. This logo is probably best suited for Kansas City. It is basic and boring just like the town it represents – well, maybe its a little too vibrant for Kansas City. What else do we have?
Lastly, we have “Sporting Clube de Kansas City.” This name serves the dual purpose of connecting the team with Kansas City’s vibrant Portuguese community (well, technically, Hernando lives in Grandview) and of being so incredibly godawful as to make Real Salt Lake fans feel better about themselves. It’s a win win.
Posted in Kansas City, MLS, Rebranding
Today, the estate of legendary thoroughbred Seabiscuit filed a lawsuit against Philadelphia Union forward Sebastien Le Toux. The suit claims that Le Toux violated Pennsylvania right of publicity laws which protect celebrities from having their likenesses exploited for commercial gain without their permission.
Specifically, the suit claims that Le Toux has “knowingly and willfully exploited his uncanny resemblance to the legendary racehorse in order to secure valuable endorsements.”
Le Toux, who is a spokesperson for Continuex deworming products, Harmohn Kraft bridles, and Jeffers stable supplies, has denied any wrongdoing. Continue reading
Posted in Miscellaneous, Philadelphia Union, Players, Seattle Sounders
Today, Shawn Hunter, President of Chivas USA, announced the club’s intention to build a new stadium in metropolitan Los Angeles and displayed an early rendering of the venue (reproduced below).
The new state-of-the-art venue is expected to offer several unique amenities including a bail bonds agency, an emergency clinic specializing in stab wounds, a teenage pregnancy counseling center, a garbage facility concentrating on disposal of deceased prostitutes, a jail capable of holding up to 90% of the attendees, and several purveyors of airbrushed t-shirts. Continue reading
Posted in Chivas USA, Miscellaneous, MLS, Stadiums
David Beckham’s hotly anticipated comeback to the Los Angeles Galaxy encountered a major setback today as a single delicate spritz of his new fragrance “Intimately Beckham Yours” shattered four of the carpal bones in his left wrist this morning.
“I was preparing for a photoshoot and applied the gentlest bit of Intimately Yours to my wrist and right then and there I knew it was broken,” Beckham told reporters, Continue reading
Posted in Designated Players, LA Galaxy, MLS
