Category Archives: Colorado Rapids

Colorado Rapids Assures Fans That They Are The Defending Champs

Denver, Colorado – The Colorado Rapids are out to set the record straight.  It seems most long-time area residents refuse to believe that they are in fact the defending MLS champions.
It seems the confusion  began this January when are residents who had previously bought single-game tickets received direct mailings offering season ticket pages for “your defending champion Colorado Rapids.”   Within days of sending out the mailers, the Rapids front office was flooded with phone calls. 

“In the customer service center, all you could hear was people saying things  ,’ ’Really,’ ‘Really,’ and ‘they gave us a trophy, and everything,’” reported a source within the organization,  “They weren’t even calling to buy anything – they thought they were doing us a big favor by pointing out the ‘misprint.’” Continue reading

Sporting KC Selects Name “Colorado Rapids” in MLS Re-entry Draft

Just a month after rebranding themselves as Sporting KC, the former Wizards front office pulled off another shock by selecting the moniker “Colorado Rapids” in the MLS Re-Entry draft. The Rapids front office immediately declared that they were surprised that leaving their name exposed had turned out so badly for them.

“We totally get where KC is comming from, I mean, even though it is confusing to call a team in Kansas City by the name ‘Colorado,’ it is hella less confusing than that Sporting Club nonsense” said former Rapids GM Jeff Plush.  Colorado is believed to be looking into renaming their team as “Miami Fusion” in honor of captain Pablo Maestroeni’s former team, or possibly going with “Denver Olympiakos.”

[contributed by Rory Miller, thanks Rory!  For more by Rory, check out: www.tiny.cc/1nt1i]

Seventh Place Team Defeats Fifth Place Team; Declared Best Team of MLS

Last evening in ball-retractingly cold Toronto, the Colorado Rapids defeated FC Dallas 2-1 in extra time to secure the 2010 MLS cup.  This was Colorado’s first MLS cup. 

The match did not start well for Colorado.  Dallas took an early lead when Colombian David Ferreira tallied a goal ten minutes before half.  Colorado drew even in the 56th minute when Conor Casey took a break from grappling with Jair Benitez, sat on the pitch, and knocked one in from close range.

In extra time, Colorado earned the win on an own goal by George John.  The goal came when John deflected a Mac Kandji - who had been acquired by Colorado mid year from New York in exchange for $11 and a recipe for butternut squash ravioli - shot by the near post. 

Congratulations Colorado for proving yet again that in MLS, a team does not need to play particularly well for an entire season if they can string together a few cheapies in autumn.

Bob Kraft Welcomes Stan Kroenke To MLS/NFL Owners Fraternity; Spanks Him Vigorously

This past week Enos “Stan” Kroenke’s purchase of a majority stake in the St. Louis Rams was approved by the National Football League.  NFL rules prohibit an owner from having a majority stake in a football team in one city and a team from another sport in another city, so Kroenke was forced to transfer operating control – whilst winking –  of the Denver Nuggets and the Colorado Avalanche to his son, Nepos.

NFL rules did not require Kroenke to pretend to transfer ownership of the Colorado Rapids because no one seemed to care and Kroenke has long since forgotten that he owns them. Continue reading

Owner Of Colorado Rapids Has No Recollection of Owning Colorado Rapids

Beerandsoccer was granted an exclusive interview with Enos Stanley Kroenke, the mustachioed owner of the Rapids who earned his billions blighting huge swaths of the United States with unsightly suburban developments replete with strip malls, windowless big box stores, and endless seas of parking lots.

I first asked Mr. Kroenke whether the Rapids were exploring the possibility of signing a designated player this year. Unfortunately, the question was met with a blank stare before Kroenke finally spoke, ”The Rapids,” he asked using air quotes, ”whats that?” Slightly confused, I attempted to politely remind him, “the soccer team you own, the Colorado Rapids.” Continue reading

Despite Failing To Score, Sounders FC Forward Fredy Montero Still Expected To Win Goal Of The Week

Seattle Sounders FC fans flocked to their computers after today’s 0-0 draw against Chivas USA in order to cast write in votes for Fredy Montero’s 38th minute shot for MLSsoccer.com’s Goal of the Week.

Montero, who has scored eight goals this season, has tallied Goal of the Week honors in the past nineteen consecutive weeks.  Continue reading