*** The FIFA Appeal Committee has confirmed the decisions taken by the Ethics Committee to ban former FIFA executive committee members Reynald Temarii and Amos Adamu. Both Temarii and Adamu had been found to have violated FIFA rules in connection with the 2018 and 2022 World Cup bidding. Fortunately, this corruption was identified well before the bidding occurred and therefore erased any suspicion whatsoever about the ultra-secretive process that resulted in those World Cups being awarded to dictator-led petrogiants with reputations for cracking down violently on media keen on investigating corruption. Temarii, whose punishment was a one year ban, explained “I am very sorry for my indiscretions,” and later asked “does anyone have an ice pack? My wrist is quite sore.”
*** FIFA to debate whether “snoods” – the loose-fitting neck scarves popularized by Carlos Tevez - should be outlawed as a safety risk. If snoods are prohibited, it would mark only the second time that an accessory would be banned pursuant to the rules against wearing anything “dangerous.” The last uniform accessory to be banned under this provision was the NASL Colorado Caribous’ infamous fringe jersey. That jersey did not result in any on-field injuries, but several supporters suffered severe rectal bruising after wearing replicas in “the wrong sort of bars.”
*** UEFA warns clubs on spending restrictions in wake of Torres and Carroll transfers. UEFA’s Financial Fair Play rules require clubs to balance their books at the end of the year, but do not set in until the 2012-13 season. Nonetheless, these large transfers are expected to have financial impact well past the present season and so UEFA wasted no time in claiming that they would enforce the new rules rigorously even if it meant losing revenue by banning top clubs from European competition. After making this empty threat, UEFA and club officials alike probably had a right good chuckle.
*** Qatar fires national team coach Bruno Metsu after quarterfinal Asian Cup exit. Despite home field advantage, Qatar failed to make a splash at the Asian Cup and, as a result, slipped to 114 in the world rankings (behind such powerhouses as Kuwait, Oman, Azerbaijan and the Cape Verde Islands). Qatari official, Muhammed al-Dirka Dirka Jihad, explained that Metsu was 100% responsible for the side’s shortcomings and that the loss had nothing to do with Qatar being a tiny country with few talented players. Mr. Jihad further said that without the burdensome Metsu around he had full confidence that Qatar will acquit itself well at the 2022 World Cup. When reached for comment, Metsu bleated “Maaaaaaaaah…..maaaaaaaaaah!”